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Farfalla+fiore

July 2017

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dear son

[ER] - Dear Son - Letter 5

Dear Gabriel,
I promised you I’d give you only happiness and joy but today... first deception. It’s a really sad day for your old tata and there is no way to escape it.

I really need to talk to you about something... someone... and I don’t know how I can do it.
Well, your father... baby, I love you, you know it, but you aren’t the first one. I know it sounds terrible and offensive but that’s true. You’re my baby, but I have other children.

Sorry, I feel so, so... bad about this. I’m hurting you and I’m hurting them too, and there’s no solution because you’re my son and I love you but they’re my children too, and I love them.

 

Never ceased to love them. Never been able to cease to love them. Never desired to cease to love them.

And... I’m really sorry. This is an awkward letter, I know it, I can only repeat and repeat and repeat but... Uff, slow down Luka, just breathe, calm down.


They’re dead, ok? They died long ago, they were still babies and I can’t even think at it. I look at you, so little, yet full of energy, and life – life, oh my God – and I see them. I see them, I see them.


Jasna. Curly hair, just like her mother’s, brown eyes and her mommy’s smile. Her thin arms around my neck, her skin, her crazy way of talking. The way she said “Volim te, Tata”. The way she laughed. All gone, all gone. She died while I was trying to breathe for her. She died in my arms. As if I stole her last breath. Sixteen hours to get born, an hour to die.

Marko. Just like me at his age. My eyes, my nose (poor boy), my mouth. It was me, but more beautiful. His happy face, he was never disappointed, never angry, always smiling and toddling around, chasing his sister, holding my leg. He loved chocolate, he had it always plastered on his face, on his hands. All gone, all gone. He died buried in his crib, a brick wall fell against him. I know he suffered, I know he was scared, I know he realized he was going to die.

And I’m here and you’re here. And I love you, you’re alive, you deserve to be, and you’ve already had a rough beginning and I shouldn’t add this but I can’t help doing it. Fifteen years, you know? Fifteen years ago they died, they all died. Where’s the sense in that?

Scary dad, huh? Sometimes I wonder you could meet them, but it’s a crazy thought. You’re there, they aren’t. If they had been there, you... no, I don’t want to think like that. You’re not a substitute, ok? I’m not replacing them. This would hurt you more, and it would hurt your mom, and it would hurt them too. No one deserves this. You’re my son and I love you and I’m glad you are my baby.


Ok, I’m going to end this, because I shouldn’t have written it in the first place. It’s only I’m not sleeping well these nights, keeping thinking about them and you and I can’t burden your mom, she’s already tired and she’s learning to deal with you (though she’s already great at this).

 

You’re my family, I won’t go anywhere. You have a special place in my heart, but they too are still in my heart. Ok? I hope I haven’t hurt you too much.

I love you, baby.
Your Tata


Lo so, l'angst vi mancava parecchio...

Comments

Ciao! Sono clik-clak del forum!! Ti ho trovata, visto? Be' non ci voleva tanta scienza...
Non ho ancora letto il tuo post ma volevo comunque lasciarti questo messaggio e dirti che ti ho appena aggiunta alla mia f-list.

Buona scrittura! :)
Mi hai davvero trovata... benvenuta nella mia sala emergenza.
Sono sempre io, clik-clak, stavolta in versione chiefofsurgery. Tengo un blog anche qui -- è la versione LJ del mio blog originale su splinder. E' che su LJ viene più bello esteticamente!!
Wow, ma sei diventata Capo di Chirurgia!
Concordo, LJ ha una bellissima grafica!
Jasna e Marko, praticamente mai esistiti ma sempre meravigliosamente presenti nella mente di Luka e nella tua penna (o sarebbe meglio dire dita?)Il piccolo Gabriel deve imparare presto a fare i conti col passato di suo padre, almeno lui deve farlo!
In effetti Luka senza angst stona... XD!
Stupidamente (soprattutto perchè avrei ben altro da fare), pensando a Luka penso sempre anche a Jasna e Marko. Lui non sarebbe ciò che è senza di loro, e non credo si possa fare finta che non siano mai esistiti (mi rivolgo agli sceneggiatori)
Grazie per il bel commento. Fa sempre piacere sapere che non si scrivono cavolate mostruose.

bello

Come sempre mi sono commossa...Come reagirà Luka man mano che il piccolo crescerà ed immancabilmente gli ricorderà dei figli che non ci sono più.???

Re: bello

Io mi commuovo se tu ti commuovi!
Ti ringrazio calorosamente, posso dire di avere trovato un'altra lettrice "ufficiale"?
Grazie

si

Sono diventata una tua lettrie ufficiale...
Oggi riguardavo giusto la puntata in cui Luka fa vedere a Carol la foto della figlia con la moglie e,poi,dicendo che non aveva foto del figlio lo descriveva e,mentre descriveva il fatto che aveva sempre la faccia sporca di cioccolata,ho pensato a te e a quello che avevi scritto e,mi sono venute le lacrime agli occhi...Eppure qella scena l'avevo già vista altre volte e,non mi era mai successo...Ora vedo molte cose in modo diverso...Le tue rielaborazioni mi stringono il cuore e mi fanno sentire ciò che vedo,in modo diverso...Grazie
Ho fatto la richiesta di ammissione alla comunità! Ovviamente il personaggio è sempre lui! :)