I’m in totally despair... I’m hurting so much I can’t almost breathe.
Your Grandfather... he left us. A heart attack took him away from us... from me. I can’t believe it happened. I can’t, baby, I can’t.
I still have my brother’s voice playing in my ear.
He died. He left me. Why?
I’m an orphan... no dad, no mom, no past. Who am I now?
Sorry, I can’t write now. I can’t live. My dad...
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Almost a week has passed and I’m feeling a little better. I also have to thank you for this, seen you’ve been at my side and helped me find myself again. You’re really a good boy, and I’m glad.
The burial... oh, it was touching. All his old friends were there and you behaved very well. Though I can’t still believe he’s gone. I’m not going to see him again and it hurts.
I’m angry with myself. I wasn’t even with him when he died. Of course, my brother and his family were there, but I’m his son too. I never suffered the distance from my hometown so much, I guess.
And now... what am I going to do now? I stare at you in order to find inspiration. You’re drawing with your youngest cousin. You’re really gifted and it’s heart breaking. I can see in your fingers the magic which laid in your grandfather’s fingers. The same intense sight, as if you’re going to create a miracle. It’s so beautiful to see. And I’m glad you have his gift. I can see my dad through you. Looking at you is like looking at him (ok, you’re cuter... just like mom). And you know what? I think this is the reason why he was so happy you inherited his passion for painting. So, he would never leave me. Having you is almost having him (or a part of him). I’m not alone, without past or whatever. I have you. Feeling even better now.
You asked me to tell you something about him. I don’t know how I can start.
My dad... he was great. He loved me. Never stopped loving my mom. Loved my brother. Love you and your mom. He used to thank her, your mom I mean. She made me love her. She fell in love with me. She gave you to me. She agreed to be part of a family. You know, my dad was so scared I would end up living into a sad nonsense void, but then I met your mom and he saw her as if she was my light. She was (still is, of course) the answer he was looking for.
Other things... he could be unbearable, sometimes. I may admit that I also thought I hated him because of his mood or behaviour. I’m missing him. You told me you’re going to miss him too. I can see why. You two had already a strong bond. He told you a lot of things, a lot of secrets you will never tell me. No problem with that, Gabriel. They belong to you both, I will never try to discover any of them.
Just one thing, please: stop singing those kind of dirty songs he taught you. I know you probably find them funny, but they’re not. And even if your mom doesn’t understand Croatian it’s not a good thing singing them when she’s around. They’re slight offensive and you’re too young to understand their real meaning, ok?
There aren’t many things left. He could tell the most amusing jokes ever, he had the loudest laugh you’ll ever hear and he could give the best advices. I’m sad you’re going to miss his advices. I’m trying to advise you as well as he could do, but I’m not assuring anything.
I have a hole in my heart, kiddo. A part of me is missed. He gave me life and he taught me everything I know. I’m everything I’m because of him. I don’t know. Still feeling tears in my eyes. Don’t be worried, it will pass. It’s just that...
... you’re here now, hugging me. I don’t think this will stop my tears. You’re so sweet when you want to. Hold me tight, baby. Tonight I’m the one who needs to be comforted. Thank you for being there with me.
I love you, baby.